You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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