I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
