It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just had sex on a roof
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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