apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
