I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
