I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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