Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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