cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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