nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
