he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
