i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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