I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
