I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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