i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
