I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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