haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
