can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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