I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
