Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
