so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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