i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
