the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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