I smell stomach acid.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
