I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was born a porn star she said
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
