my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
