I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
