I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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