Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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