Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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