I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
