Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
