Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
