I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You don't make any sense
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