I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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