True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
