Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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