The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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