:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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