He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
