We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
