No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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