my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
