Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
