I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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