Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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