Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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