dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
