dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
