This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
