; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
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I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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