I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
