Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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