This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
