all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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