He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
