im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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